Episode 22: I’m Cheating on You…

Let me remind you …(Reference: Blog Post #9 – I Got The Juice) I do not believe in monogamous relationships. Chalk it up to daddy issues or me just wanting to rebel against Western civilization societal concepts. In a world filled with seven billion people, I’m suppose to be with one of those 7 billion, for the rest of my LIFE? Nah. However, don’t confuse what I’m saying here. I believe in Love, watching my friends pop up on my Instagram with engagement rings genuinely brings me joy. It’s super cute. It’s just not right for me…Now, I make sure I relay these feelings to any man or women I choose to deal with, it’s up to them if they want to continue dating me or not. Because, in my early twenties I’ve lied about these feelings. I didn’t know I could choose to be with more than one person at a time. I lied and cheated on amazing partners which made me a coward. Thankfully they forgave me but still…It was pretty shitty to hurt them the way that I did.

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After revelation and acceptance, I thought I was done with the lies, turns out at age thirty I’m still cheating. Still lying… This time it’s worse… I’m Cheating on my one true love. The love that has been in and out of my life for the last decade. Yes, this love has put me through an emotional fuckin’ roller coaster, yes, I’ve spent restless nights dreaming about this love that inevitably has shaped a part of who I am today… But what do you do when something new, fresh and shiny suddenly burst into your life giving you maximum pleasure like you’ve never felt before?

Yes, you guessed it…I’m cheating on Comedy Writing with Yoga!

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A little over a year ago I began my Yoga journey after my homegirl hooked me up with a Front Desk gig at a Hot Yoga Studio in Beverly Hills. The studio was beautiful, the job was cool. No micromanaging, no 8 hour days, I could wear sweat pants. I clocked in made my money and left. I did however, begin to notice the clients, the teachers, the community of people practicing Yoga in 110 degrees. Nah. I had my one Yoga experience back in NY my good friend invited me to and it was an experience I did not want to have again. “This for white people” pretty sure those were my exact words to her. Plus out here in L.A. I was too focused on hating on Issa Rae, performing stand-up, falling in love and finding New Patient Deals around the city. Who had time for Yoga?

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I didn’t move to Los Angeles for Yoga. I’ve always wanted to make this vivid dream of writing come alive. I always pictured myself in a writer’s room. That’s where I belonged, that’s all I ever wanted. For the last ten years that’s all I ever craved, desired. All I have to do is make it in that room and I will find happiness forever. L.A. though. It will change you whether you like it or not. I noticed my changes. Lack of confidence, lack of funds. The vivid dream was fading and I didn’t know what to do. Fuck it…I took a Yoga class. A basic Vinyasa flow class, very foundational, very fuckin’ hot! I didn’t love it but I didn’t hate it either. With the studio offering thirteen different styles of classes I sporadically tried them all. Before I knew it I would clock out of work, grab a mat and head right into the hottest room ever.

A year has passed. I have two Yoga training’s under my belt. I teach classes filled with 20-30 people. I supervise the Front Desk now and I’m in the midst of receiving a 200Hr which will allow me to take my teaching skills anywhere in the country and beyond. Yoga has changed me back into the confident, vivid dreamer I was. My funds have significantly increased because teaching is the perfect side hustle. I can touch my toes, I have abs, I am part of this amazing community with beautiful humans that uplift each other, support each other. Oh and I am in love with teaching. Like, teaching Yoga is exhilarating, fun af, I get to help people change their bodies, minds. The smiles I see when they walk out of class, the work and energy they put in to class. It’s joy…But now that I’m a Yoga teacher the image of me sitting in a writer’s room doesn’t really do anything for me anymore.

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So, is that it. Am I not a comedy writer anymore? Besides this blog and Loud The Musical! I haven’t written anything. I don’t have a desire to write the way I desire curating a new playlist for Yoga Barre. Will I regret not pursuing writing ten years from now? Was it all a lie? Was it all a just a dream, will I ever meet Childish Gambino?

All these loans, So many loans… all this screenwriting education, I moved 3000 miles away from everything I ever known to write!

I guess once a cheater, always a cheater.

Stay Tuned.

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Episode 21: Hippie New Year!

So, here we are…A completely different, entirely fresh, New Year. Of course you can start fresh any day… But that’s no fun! There’s something about a New Year that gives everyone this energy, this sudden jolt of confidence, believing… that this one New Year can be different from all the others. Something special, something unique, something that changes us from what we’ve been doing the previous year. A chance to better ourselves and throw away old bad habits. The New Year is proof that we do all have one thing in common… Hope! That to me is Power. So, if you’re reading this blog today…I truly wish you receive what you desire. That your hopes and dreams come alive this year!

Podcast, Talk Show, Album, and Yoga is my life now. Partnering up with other creative forces, eating more good food, meeting Childish Gambino, decorating my apartment and saving money are my priorities now. It’s refreshing…This feeling of just being content, grateful. I’m not scrambling, or overthinking. Everything is moving but moving to the beat of what I feel. I don’t know. I smoked a new Sativa strain this morning and it’s spilling into this entry.

Staying out of a relationship is crucial to my personal progression this year. I love men and a couple months out the year I love women too. but yo, I gotta stay away. I give 68% in a relationship and that’s way too high of a percentage. I must maintain my focus and energy on work so I can support my marijuana needs and make this comedy writing thing happen.

Last year I put so much pressure on myself, to be the “perfect writer”, the “perfect yogi”, “the perfect girlfriend”. Knowing deep down inside I’m a fucking mess working my shit out constantly. It wasn’t fair for me to beat myself up over things I could not control. It wasn’t fair for me to bring people in to my mess and expect them to stick it out with me. I had expected a life of fast and easy when I moved to Los Angeles. Instead of enjoying every aspect the city was trying to offer me. I decided to complain and mope and not do shit.

I’m not a monster, I’m not a Trump, I don’t want to eat babies…I’m just this super hot but regular ass Black woman trying to make noise in a society where we’re at the bottom of the totem pole anyway. This feeling I have now though, yo…It’s stimulating. I feel tingly when I wake up in the morning. I light my splifs and dance in front of my mirror for hours, my roommate is a God send, my ex-boyfriend stopped sending me hate emails, I haven’t had sex in months and I don’t even care…(Xtina is turning over in her grave), I’m falling in love with me all over again. Discovering that I’m no where near perfect but I’m still incredible af, still young, with no kids and a soft booty. I still have this fire in me that screams, keep pushing, you almost there Queen! Today, I choose to live in the present. To appreciate all that is around me right now at this very moment. Today I choose to execute my creative ideas, laugh with my friends, practice Yoga, gain knowledge, be naked, accept new and scary opportunities, enjoy the people in my life and experience shit. My heart isn’t heavy anymore. There’s no aching worries, no questioning who I am. I just am…and for today that’s just gonna have to be good enough.

Episode 20- A Hippie’s Holidaze

Its Holiday season! Bring out the hoodies, shorts and jean jackets, I might have to dare I say wear socks with my shoes now. The holidays in L.A., pretty non-existent to say the least. The rain replaces snow, its 65+ degrees, Its way too hot for one of those Ugly Sweater parties.

Yet,  holiday season brings me joy. Like, Thanksgiving what a fucked up holiday to celebrate but having three plates of food with no care in the world. Sorry Indians! (not sorry) This year I celebrated what most transplanted, stranded, Los Angeles residents celebrate. “Friendsgiving” Well in our case “Danksgiving” (Yes it’s exactly what you think it is) with my closest homies.  I thought my friendships were deteriorating after we didn’t get the dream house I wanted. At the end of the night… I love these Negros, regardless if we agree or not, these people I met almost a decade ago are still here, supporting and uplifting my crazy dreams. Plus as cool as it would’ve been to live with my Frat brothers. They fart a lot more often than the average male. Sports, there’s just so much sport watching…I can’t deal…But dammit I would be trifalin’ af if I wasn’t grateful. They let me stay with them these last couple months. I wear wigs, I get a period, I’m going through a break up and these guys were so nice and tolerant of all that.  Why do they like me?

So let’s revisit that last blog post. Was that Emo or what? I went pretty dark. I was saying stuff like…

I feel so stuck,  everything is falling a part. My friendships, my relationship. The thought of writing something creative makes me cringe now. How do I get back?”

It was pinned up inside me and I had to type it out. I won’t apologize for my vulnerability either.

I’ve been internally kicking and screaming because I’m trying to find some sort of break or easy way out of what ultimately are Karmic reactions to a continuous cycle I’ve subjected myself to. Basically. I’m tired of feeling bad for myself, making up excuses, It’s time to embark on this L.A. journey I was eagerly ready for when I first moved here. With opportunities and blessings literally smacking me in the face, I must keep pushing forward.

A new job, moving in to an amazing home with my closest friend, teaching more Yoga classes, embarking on my first 200 hour Teacher Training, starting my Podcast back up and recording music, I’m diving in to all my side passions until I can get rid of this *whispers* writers block.. I still feel like something is missing.  Why do I always think I need more? How am I not content yet? Then it hit me. Why I feel this emptiness within me. I must deal with this, I must face the truth that I might not ever meet Childish Gambino, let alone watch him  perform live ever again. I know I missed an amazing last concert.  I know now what it feels like to live life with regret.

Still, though. I’m in a much better place than the last couple months. This New Year will be interesting. I’m ready for it all.

 

Stay Tuned and Happy Holidays!

 

 

Episode 19-That Hippie is NOT Lit.

Everything is wrong! I thought when I turned 30 life would just suddenly fall into place. Now, I realize life can’t fall in line because I’m not in line. I’ve spent the majority of my twenties attempting to maintain a free spirited, go with the flow lifestyle. I feel as though it has finally caught up to me. What happened to the Christina who knew everything would be okay if you just smoke a J? I feel so disconnected from her. How can I lose faith when God has given me everything before?

I’m not a complicated human being and yet I continue to place myself in these predicaments that end up doing more harm than good. Sometimes I wish I had no dreams, I wish I didn’t dream of a life writing in a writer’s room creating comedy gold with Childish Gambino, I wish I didn’t hope for people to be entertained by my stories, my dreams of helping people see their potential and making them feel good is too painful. I should be sitting behind a desk pushing papers for a reasonable amount of money and benefits. I should be coming home to my husband and kid…Instead I’m sleeping on different people’s couches and chasing work shifts to pick up just so I can make it another day in L.A. How in the fuck did I get here?

When I moved to Los Angeles that hot ass day in June of 2016 I was floating. I had so much spark. I was on stage performing comedy every night, I created a pilot, a podcast, recorded music, I looked out my sublet balcony window, two years ago, saw that Hollywood sign and just knew I was going to take over. I haven’t taken over shit.

I feel so stuck,  everything is falling a part. My friendships, my relationship. The thought of writing something creative makes me cringe now. How do I get back? I do so much fuckin’ Yoga you’d think I’d be zen af by now!

I’m not…So, the pending question is do I go home now, is this where I call it quits and just reset everything?  I’ve been the cause of most of my damage out here, my punishment should be to go home. Actually, running seems uncomplicated. Pushing through just seems like energy I can’t attain at the moment.

The other day my partner was attempting “Encourage Christina take 34”. He asked me what I thought success was? I couldn’t answer him. For the first time I didn’t have a comeback. Not even a sarcastic one to avoid the question. I just  kind of stood there looking dumb in the face. A question that stumped me and still as I write this post don’t have an answer for.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Episode 18-Tina Tour, Homie Hoppin’ & Thirty.

I did not re-sign my lease for my amazing house located smack dab in the middle of Los Angeles. Yes, the metro was across the street, yes, I had a washer, dryer and driveway. My bedroom set a vibe from the beautifully illustrated mural on my wall to the color coordinated bohemian decor which always made coming home a treat. However, like always I want something new, different and obviously challenging. So I have decided to STAY in L.A. and move in with my three Fraternity brothers who I’ve known since college. Instead of choosing to live by myself which I’m finally capable of doing… I know this living experience is going to be insane and I’m totally here for it. A black version of New Girl, who wouldn’t want that? I still continue to live my life like a white TV sitcom. (Singing New Girl Tune) “Who’s that girl, its Chris!

Unlike two years ago when I was running around L.A. looking for a place to live praying to God  I  didn’t have to  camp out on San Pedro and 7th.

Today, I have like real friends here.  I have recruited a handful of my closest friends from back home dreaming the same dream as me! They’re here to stay and I’m lucky enough to be able to go from paying rent for a one bedroom to living in three different friends houses in exchange for mediocre meals prepared by me. Trust me this is not my Swag. I would much rather have my own space. I don’t think you realize how much I appreciate my naked time. As for now though, the best thing to do is continue to homie hop so I can save all my Schmoney for this amazing new four bedroom house. I’m anxious about this next step…The not knowing is giving me slight anxiety but ultimately I’m ready to embark on a new journey with three human beings I trust with my life.

In order to make homie hoppin’ easier I took a two week vacation back to the East Coast. Visiting Durham, NC, Washington D.C. and of course my heart… New York City. Taking a break from the L.A. life to reconnect with friends and family was therapeutic. I had an opportunity to reflect on what I had and what I have now. Congratulations were said,  extended hugs, dancing, drinks flowing, overpriced weed, new connections were made, past relationships were resolved, reunions were dramatic and genuine, I loved every moment of Tina Tour and I have a feeling this tour will evolve into something more. (Hey, that rhymed) Tina Tour also made me realize I know a hell of a lot of people and they are all rooting for me. It’s pretty amazing.

 

Now, it’s back to the grind. I’m back in sunny Los Angeles, teaching more Yoga classes, starting a new Yoga Training, writing every day, building with my partner, moving into this house and apparently I have a special birthday coming up which I am ready for… I guess. I know I’m ready to exit my twenties. It has been a long af decade but can I really be thirty? I wish there was like a limbo age I can resort to. Ultimately, it’s just a number. I  still feel amazing and I still eat Pop-tarts for dinner. Life is lit and a rebirth is brewing within me.

Stay Tuned.

 

 

Episode 17- Lyft, Loud & Yoga.

Another summer in Los Angeles. Lately, it’s been hot as the Devil’s butthole. I love it, however Some L.A. residents aren’t taking it so well. Can the heat control your sanity?Like, it wasn’t pleasing to my eyes to see a grown woman laying on the streets of Downtown L.A. butt ass naked, or the racist outburst from the 7-11 clerks yelling that  “All black people are the same” because a black dude stole a soda, let us not forget the pile of dog shit I accidentally stepped into barefoot…All this happened in a matter of one week by the way.  I’ve been living in Los Angeles for two years and still, I am surprised by my life happenings.

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After months of being financially disabled, missing my closest friends weddings and baby showers, dodging my landlord, I’m actually making strides back to the lit Christina…the one who always had big dreams with ambition and faith to make them happen. I quit my 9-5 over a year ago. It has its ups and Lord knows it has its downs. I had to take a step back and reflect on this new found free time. Within my reflection time I realized I’m an entitled, spoiled only child who lacks discipline and has no hustling mentality. When everything has been practically handed to you your entire life and then suddenly you’re out in the world alone to fend for yourself, you may experience a bunch of bullshit along the way.

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However, to say I haven’t done anything with my chosen freedom would be a lie. I signed up for Lyft a ridesharing app where I have to uncomfortably drive people around in the backseat of an overpriced rental car. I drive enough just to make my car payment most weeks. You can’t tell me there’s one Lyft driver who’s excited to drive for Lyft. I’m grateful to finally be able to get around the city without stepping on to the piss & shit aroma the metro bus offers but driving for Lyft sucks balls. It also doesn’t help that I don’t really know how to navigate the city and I’m a pretty average driver considerably.

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I didn’t move all the way to L.A. to chauffeur people around. I also didn’t move out here to become a teacher but within this free time I found a love and appreciation for Yoga; specifically Yoga Barre– a ballet, cardio, upbeat, lit af class that has transformed not only my body but my mind. I enrolled in Yoga Barre training with hopes to finally get some abs but in the end I’m now a certified instructor guiding others to find love for their bodies at three different Hot Yoga studios. It feels amazing, to just be able to express my personality and have fun with a group of diverse individuals. I’m falling in love with teaching and I’m looking forward to expanding my knowledge and practice.

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Now…As for Loud! The Musical (which you can find on youtube here’s the link:  Loud! The Musical

Loud, is my first visual content released to the world wide web. I wrote it, I produced it, I acted in it and I even directed a couple scenes. Yo, this shit is hard. I love it so much it frustrates me. When things aren’t perfect which really means when things don’t go my way I overthink, over criticize but undermine my abilities to make this happen.  I know what you’re thinking…“Keep believing in yourself, keep pushing” I get it and I am. Right now though, I need a mental break from this whole trying to break into the industry thing. I really just want to focus on me…and Yoga…and weed.

So stay tuned and Namaste.

Episode 16: Into Deep…

Has it really been two years?

As I scroll through Iphone pictures and videos from the last two years; I am quickly reminded that geesh, I’ve been through a lot of shit here. I moved to Los Angeles on a hot spring day in June with the hopes of becoming a famous TV writer with ties to the funniest comics in L.A and lunch dates with Childish Gambino.  I do know some pretty hilarious comedians but I’m not writing for TV and Childish Gambino and we have not been to Sage  yet and you know what I’m totally not okay with it!

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It’s cool though, L.A. has kept me busy enough that I don’t think about it too often. When I was living  in a Craigslist scammed apartment with a dirty IG model two years ago I must admit, I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Part of me was struggling to open myself up to this new big af city and the other part was passionate and gun-hole about making this famous TV writer thing happen.

Two years later, I have created a life I never saw coming. I never thought my closest friends from college would move here and help me create content, I never imagined becoming certified to teach Yoga Barre. I didn’t even know what Yoga Barre was two years ago.  I can’t believe I got to work with one of my favorite content creators, or work for BET. I work at a Yoga studio and I’m in love with it. How many people actually love their job?  I just sold Russell Simmons a Yoga class package.

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I hike, I smoke the best and finest of marijuana, I perform stand-up comedy, I drive for lyft, I go to eclectic party in the hills, I have a connection with an incredible man that continues to show me how lit life and love can be. Even this blog, how have I had over two thousand readers in the last couple years. Who is reading this? Thank you so much. You have no idea or maybe you, how it feels to get your thoughts out into the world so you can connect with or inspire someone. I’m here for so much more than just being a TV writer.

That box that I so desperately kept trying to live in is now living with someone on 7th and San Pedro.

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I  feel like I just landed here, like I have so much more to do but I’m already here doing so much. I’m grateful for everything I have. I’m grateful for the support of so many people and the good Lord above for getting me through  those two panic attacks. I had to know I was going to be okay and I am. Evolving every day finding new ways to make this life a YOLO experience.

All I know is I’m into deep now. Word to LL.Image result for ll cool j in too deep gif

There’s no way I can just stop. I have a weed musical to produce, a podcast to record, a job that appreciates me, a man that understands me, friends that keep me uplifted and let’s not forget the $20 8th’s.

So..keep reading, keep watching (I can say that now!) and just keep praying for me. Someone definitely is.

Stay Tuned.