Episode 9: I Got The Juice…

 I would like to begin with you knowing that I make sure before I start dating any lucky prospect, they know there’s a possibility I would write about our relationship. Not in a defamatory way but in a way where I always come out looking the best.

I moved to Los Angeles from Brooklyn, New York. A city in which I assumed I would find my Mr. Big or Prince Akeem of Zamunda. Instead I found Mr. Broke,  Mr. Control Freak and Prince can’t express himself if he had a gun pointed to his head. It was time to be true to myself. I was literally putting myself in situations I barely got out of because I wasn’t keeping it real with them or me.

I don’t do relationships. Companionship yes. Relationship, no.

I’m what people might refer to as a “player” or the more feminine term “Playette”.

I believe it was the late great rapper Biggie Smalls who said it best  “I’m a pimp by blood, not relation, ya’ll still chase em, I replace em.” I learned sooner than later,  there’s seven billion people in the world. It’s impossible to believe I have to be with ONE person for the rest of my life. Doesn’t that sound a little off?  Or, I could be suffering from major commitment, abandonment and daddy issues. Whatever… For now, I’m going with” I don’t do relationships“.

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When I moved to LA, I had no intentions on dating. I mean, I did update my pictures on Tinder and Soul Swipe, I just wasn’t actively seeking anyone. When I wake up every morning the first thing I do after giving God an air pound is think about how I’m gonna make it as a writer. It completely consumes my mind to the point of near insanity. So yes, I admittedly need a little distraction, a little fun and if a dinner date or two comes out of it from an interesting gentleman, who am I to stop him?

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I don’t know what happened once I landed in this city but it seems as if I released an energy so strong it has men getting in line and taking numbers. Might be my awesome and chill personality or my New York attitude with a Afro that holds power. Whatever the reason dating in LA is amazing. No one wants a relationship. Everyone is focused on their creative en devours so dudes aren’t seeking a wife and/or making babies.Hashtag Jackpot!

The Uber driver (Because taking the Metro sucks.) He was super hot. An athlete from New York. He was Caribbean (enough said, right ladies?) When I thought I was gonna be alone for my first birthday in LA without my friends, he showed up at my door at the exact moment I was born with a candle lit Oreo birthday cake. He pushed  and encouraged me to get on stage and perform my first stand up routine. He believed in me that much. He also believed in polygamy because he definitely asked to have a threesome with me and my roommate. Well, maybe he wasn’t polygamous because now that I think about it,  when I declined his offer; he asked to sleep with her… by himself. After that, didn’t think we were gonna work out.

giphy (1).gifThe Rapper Dude ( There’s always a rapper.)  my first crush out here. He was strange,  weird, messy and his nonchalant attitude was pretty annoying but I loved how much he was so comfortable in his skin. He told the world every day this is who I am, love it or hate it.  There’s  something very sexy about someone who has courage without being vocal or obnoxious about it. I did that “Like” every one of his pictures on Instagram thing so I could get his attention. Because at 27 years old there’s no way I could go up to him in person and tell him how I feel. That would be crazy right?   A few minutes later he slid in my DM’s. We flirted, we connected but we’re just “friends”. That nonchalant attitude is a little to real for an overly dramatic individual like myself.  What I take seriously compared to what he thinks matters. Let’s just say we weren’t on the same page let alone same chapter.

The Youngin’ (Embracing the Cougar inside me.) At first I thought it was a coincidence I kept getting in the same Uber Pool with a good looking, bearded chocolate fella. He would ride in the back seat listening to music as I sat up front  trying to figure out why after riding with him a couple times he wouldn’t say anything to me. I switched it up one morning and rode in the back seat along side him.

giphy (1).gifI ran my “would you like a piece of gum?” game. Lo and behold it still works like a charm because since then we’ve enjoyed the top of Runyon Canyon at Midnight,  I conquered my fear of Ice Skating with him and he took me to hands down the best Japanese restaurant I’ve been to in this life time. Age ain’t nothing but a number but I think it matters when the dude you’re dating is preparing for college while I’m preparing for my thirties. Don’t get me wrong he’s pretty mature for his young age. However, our experiences are different and it shows.

So I’ve had a few mishaps…

That’s okay though, I just moved here eight months ago. Like I said, I moved to LA with no expectations on finding the “one”. My focus is clearly on how I’m going to get those seven billion people in the world to tune into my stories. I’m continuously evolving into the woman God wants me to be. I know I deserve an amazing person who understands who I am, and I how I roll. Maybe Childish Gambino, a fellow Comedian or a Graffiti Artist with Locs and a captivating smile.  Who knows? I do know two things for sure, no matter what happens in my love life, I’m embracing it and writing every experience down.

Stay tuned.