Everything is wrong! I thought when I turned 30 life would just suddenly fall into place. Now, I realize life can’t fall in line because I’m not in line. I’ve spent the majority of my twenties attempting to maintain a free spirited, go with the flow lifestyle. I feel as though it has finally caught up to me. What happened to the Christina who knew everything would be okay if you just smoke a J? I feel so disconnected from her. How can I lose faith when God has given me everything before?
I’m not a complicated human being and yet I continue to place myself in these predicaments that end up doing more harm than good. Sometimes I wish I had no dreams, I wish I didn’t dream of a life writing in a writer’s room creating comedy gold with Childish Gambino, I wish I didn’t hope for people to be entertained by my stories, my dreams of helping people see their potential and making them feel good is too painful. I should be sitting behind a desk pushing papers for a reasonable amount of money and benefits. I should be coming home to my husband and kid…Instead I’m sleeping on different people’s couches and chasing work shifts to pick up just so I can make it another day in L.A. How in the fuck did I get here?
When I moved to Los Angeles that hot ass day in June of 2016 I was floating. I had so much spark. I was on stage performing comedy every night, I created a pilot, a podcast, recorded music, I looked out my sublet balcony window, two years ago, saw that Hollywood sign and just knew I was going to take over. I haven’t taken over shit.
I feel so stuck, everything is falling a part. My friendships, my relationship. The thought of writing something creative makes me cringe now. How do I get back? I do so much fuckin’ Yoga you’d think I’d be zen af by now!
I’m not…So, the pending question is do I go home now, is this where I call it quits and just reset everything? I’ve been the cause of most of my damage out here, my punishment should be to go home. Actually, running seems uncomplicated. Pushing through just seems like energy I can’t attain at the moment.
The other day my partner was attempting “Encourage Christina take 34”. He asked me what I thought success was? I couldn’t answer him. For the first time I didn’t have a comeback. Not even a sarcastic one to avoid the question. I just kind of stood there looking dumb in the face. A question that stumped me and still as I write this post don’t have an answer for.